Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I would ride that face into the sunset
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
