Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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