I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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