Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
