I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
