I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Randomize
