He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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