I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
