I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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