just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Randomize