Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
