Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize