then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
