i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
