God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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