What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you didnt know i had herpes?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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