yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize