You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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