oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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