I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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