Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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