Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
