I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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