I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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