I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
