Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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