Old men and throwing up are my life now.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
