Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
