There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
