Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just threw up on my dentist
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
