My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
