I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Randomize
