She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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