Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My penis needs a shock collar
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize