In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
