Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
