It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
