if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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