i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I still have a little drunk in my system
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
