he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
