i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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