i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
