Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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