Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
