I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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