U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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