she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
