You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
