A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
