Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Drunk is not a location!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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