I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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