It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
