It's like a parade of train wrecks.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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