Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
