I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
