I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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