dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize