i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
