I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
