I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
